The Backwards Law: why clinging doesn’t work

The more we pursue trying to feel better all the time, the more we reinforce this idea that we are fundamentally lacking and irreparable

The Backwards Law was popularized by Alan Watts but it actually comes from Tao Te Ching, the 2000-year-old classic Chinese text which became is the basis of Taoism.

Essentially, it’s this: the more you try to grab ahold of something, the more it slips away. Watts describes it as being in a lake. If you relax and put your head back, you’ll float. But the more you struggle and flail around trying to stay afloat, the more you will sink.

Often our search for safety and stability leads us to just the opposite.

• The more we cling to a loved one, the more they are going to feel suffocated and in need of space

• The more we obsess about accumulating money, the more poor and unworthy we are going to feel

• The more we pursue trying to feel better all the time, the more we are going to reinforce this idea that we are fundamentally lacking and irreparable

When we only focus on the scratch in the paint - we don’t see the entire car, which is in perfect working order. And therefore, we damn ourselves to immense suffering. If we only look for the positive, any small thing that goes wrong is ruinous. Maybe we can get what we want by not wanting it so much.

“Wanting positive experience is a negative experience; accepting negative experience is a positive experience.” Mark Manson - The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck.

Rewarding results can often come from embracing the challenges. The difficult conversation results in a more authentic relationship. The hard workout results in stronger abs. We can find pride in the discomfort because it means we were not scared of it. 

We don’t need things to be perfect and easy in order to be happy.

So endless self-help isn’t the answer (so says the self-help website) but rather, let’s look at how we can shift towards equanimity — the mental calmness in which we can weather the storm and handle everything that comes, without constantly needing to categorize everything into boxes labeled GOOD and BAD.

When we can release the control over the experience a little bit and find ease and peace even in the moments that are challenging, we can find that lightness. Maybe then we can not live in fear of drowning.

Of course, I’m not saying that we should never set goals or try to change our lives. But it’s easy to get locked into this endless striving to get somewhere else, to be someone else, to accumulate more, to cling to something that will inevitably be impermanent.

Sometimes we can just be right here, put our heads back, and float for a bit.